June 2nd, What A Day!

When you feel as though guilt should be a part of your life, pretty much for any incident in which you feel as though you did not do enough when you should have, the ability to overcome that feeling can be difficult at best.

I am learning, although on a day by day basis, I am learning to let that burden go away, I am learning to allow that burden to be placed back on the person that it truly belongs to.  I am learning that there are things in life that we are faced with that are truly beyond our control, regardless of how strongly we feel about them.

After spending the last month and a half holding in my true emotions, holding in the grief that I so carefully guard after the loss of 3 friends in such a short period of time, I found that I was compounding everything, trying to convince myself that in time, this too shall pass.... If there is anyone else out there who is under the same impression within their own life, please let me be the first one to tell you, to say with the utmost respect, it doesn't get any better if you try to shove it down to the bottom of your heart, layer by layer.  It doesn't, it just takes that much longer to resurface.

I met a man on an on-line dating site last week.  In truth, I found myself getting cabin fever and wanted to meet someone, man or woman, who would just like to get together on occasion, for a movie, game of pool, talk on the phone or even a walk around the block, I was looking for a companion without having to worry about undue stress that comes with dating.



Initially I had been talking with 2 ladies who were located just a few miles from my location and who had been going through their own issues, looking for someone to hang out with, etc...  Eventually, I began to receive 'winks' and a few messages from men.  Out of curiosity and respect for their interest in me, I made the attempt to ensure they weren't out for just one thing.  After weeding out those I had no interest in and those who were obviously looking for just a quick lay, I narrowed my choices down to just 2 men.

I started talking with both men pretty much around the same time, emailing back and forth strictly using the websites email client.  And then something totally unexpected happened, a third man came into the picture.

Initially, when I had first signed onto the site, I poked around it a bit, looking at the different profiles, reading their summaries and checking out their pictures, this third mans profile happened to be one of them, his name is Shawn.

Although I did not feel an interest, I did comment on a drawing that he had in his photo set and that was it...... until he sent me an email on Wednesday thanking me for the compliment.

Although the real portion of the communication didn't start until Friday afternoon, we continued to talk with each other throughout the whole weekend.  Although we both are very interested in meeting each other, all I have to say is thank goodness for the distance between us, it is definitely too soon but the way he makes me feel, the way he makes me laugh and the way he talks sure brought up a lot of conflicting issues for me.

Based on what he has told me, based on his demeanor, based on his awesome sense of humor, he is the man that I have been looking for most of my life.  He is the man who I don't have to hold back anything in conversation, he is the man who puts a smile on my face by just the pure thought of, well, him.  The crazy part is that we have not even met each other.

So the best part of this whole thing is that it is a mystery to me just what the outcome will be when we do meet.  It is not going to be right away, in fact we both agree that it will be at least 2 weeks away.  Not only due to the factor of distance, but his work schedule and the desire to spend just a bit more time talking and/or texting each other.  So far, we have yet to run out of conversation topics, it's been nice.  As to whether or not I believe we will be able to maintain the interest within these couple of weeks, I really do believe that our connection / interest is strong enough that it would last if it took longer, although I hope it doesn't take any longer than we are expecting it to.

So, stay tuned for updates.