Sentimental Journey

Today I find myself looking back on my life and the choices I made. Although the outcome was not always the best, I think I can honestly say that I did learn something from them. There are a few things that I was able to learn from immediately and a few that, well, took a little extra time to sink in.
My biggest lesson at this time appears to be alcohol and it's place in my life, there is no place for it at all. It's a difficult decision both personally and professionally for me. Personally, I am not a regular drinker but I do enjoy spending time with friends in a bar/club setting. As I also love billiards and compete in tournaments, again, a bar/club setting. Professionally I have my own administrative services business that tailors to mainly bars and bands, again, a bar/club setting.

Despite my desire to completely remove alcohol from my life, I can not allow it to consume me as an individual or dictate the direction in which my life is heading. I guess I can temporarily view it as I do with my business, business and pleasure do not mix! This is more in terms of the dating scene and/or a romantic interest.

So it also appears that I am looking at the bigger picture here in terms of companionship and venturing outside of my comfort zone that I call home. Yes, that is what I am saying, that is what I miss and it's something that I really need to do for myself. I have to remind myself that not all men are the same, despite that my last two relationships didn't work out at all, the only common factor between them was that alcohol played a big part of it ending, in fact, it was the excessive alcohol consumption that ended these relationships.

It is possible to meet a man in a bar that is there for the entertainment factor only, although a bit on the rare side, but it is possible. Perhaps it will happen, perhaps not. At this time I have taken an initiative on my own and have joined two on-line dating sites. I have added a strict criteria, something that I would never have expected myself to do, hell, I never did it before, but I have added that they can not consume alcohol at all. I will not except an answer of rarely, occasionally or in a social setting, it has to be 'NONE'. With doing this, it is unfortunate that my choices are very limited, I guess I never realized how much alcohol consumption there truly is in this world.

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Trapped Love (Forgiveness)

How do you move on with your life once you have left your abuser?  What are the steps required to make that first move towards independence?  Well, everyone's situation is going to be different depending on their current circumstances and their own personal growth.

Whether you have found yourself in a temporary shelter, sleeping on the couches of relatives and friends or have found yourself your own little slice of heaven, it can seem overwhelming when everything you have known for many years has suddenly been thrust upward and there is no net to help you catch it as it returns to earth.

Learning to take it day by day is the best advice that I could give to anyone who has found themselves in a similar situation.  Try to refrain from allowing yourself to crawl under the covers and hide from the world, from your life.  With time, it does get better but it is something that can only be accomplished if you are a participant.  When you find yourself in those moments that you feel lost or unable to cope or even perhaps that you believe you are not as strong as you thought, remember one thing, YOU have survived and you made the choice for yourself and/or for your children, that decision in itself took a lot of courage, strength and even forgiveness.  Please don't expect everything to go smoothly on an immediate basis, it won't, there are a lot of things that need to be dealt with and your first priority is to take care of yourself, both physically and emotionally.

13 Hours to Freedom

I made the trip out of state on Friday evening and arrived at my destination approximately 13 hours later.

I stopped many times along the way, the first 2 times I literally found myself wondering if I were doing the right thing, I felt as though I may have jumped the gun and didn't think things through.  Once I got back on the road, the reminders of the last 3 years came flooding in and there was no doubt in my mind that I had made the correct choice, for myself.

So tomorrow is the 1st day of my new life.  It will be work as usual, with an additional work scout.  I need to see if I can find some work locally. 

For now, this is a quick post, I am exhausted, but I am safe.

A New Day

As the need to head out of California seems a bit more imperative, I have found myself wanting to get away and spend time with my mom instead of 'needing' to escape.

I no longer have a desire to run and hide from my abuser.  Don't get me wrong, I am not looking to provide him or anyone close to him with information as to my whereabouts, but I have resolved myself to knowing that if he is truly that adamant in finding me, he will.  The only thing that I can do is try to cover all my bases to not only ensure my safety, but to those closely related to my situation.

After receiving an email from him asking about the weather in a town lose to me, it became immediately apparent that someone whom I was trusting with privileged information was relaying information back to him..... Not Good!

So this evening is the beginning of A New Day for me, I have enough money to head out on my journey.  As I am trying to keep the funds just for gas and a hotel room to sleep if needed, I will be bringing along a lot of snacks and water.

So please, if you would like to help fund my travels, please do so using the 'Donate' button to the right.  As the funds will go directly into my PayPal account, with use of a debit card, I will have immediate access regardless of where I am.

To those who have donated, Thank You very much for your support.

I am me

When the world seems to fall apart around you, it's very easy to forget yourself.  The thought of going outside, if only for a moment is almost too much to deal with when you find that even the slightest breeze that reminds you of your past can set you off into a crying frenzy.

Trust me, I know, I have been there more times than I care to count.  Before I left my abuser, I had such a moment.  It was difficult to deal with as I couldn't pinpoint just one moment of my life that would explain why I was crying so much.  At a very low point in my day, I literally felt as though I were on the brink of a full and complete emotional break down.  I was so sure that I was just seconds away from it that I found myself in the parking lot of a local hospital, contemplating on whether or not I should just go in and say, 'Help Me, I can't take my life any longer'.

To Breathe Again....

Since this whole adventure started, I have been on one of the worst emotional roller coasters I could ever imagine as something possible to survive.  But I am and I couldn't do it without the support of everyone.

Not everyone is able to contribute financially to my cause, I think a lot of you are skeptical when it comes to wanting to believe what you are reading, I can assure you, I too would be skeptical if it weren't a life that I am currently living.  So please, all your words of support are doing more wonders than you could ever imagine.

Your donations helped me get my car registered today.  Your donations helped me obtain a cell phone for my pending travels.  Although you may believe that a cell phone is the last thing I need, truthfully it isn't.  I am a single female preparing to drive 12 hours away, by myself.  The service I have is through Metro PCS, and for $50 I have phone service for a month, unlimited, which includes a navigation app that I will be using to get to my moms.

From the bottom of my heart, Thank You!  Below is a picture that I took with my phone of the tags....

Reality Check

As it has been brought to my attention that I am now being sought, the need to leave feels much more important.

I thought I could travel between friends, scrap up enough money and perhaps be on the road by the end of the month, so I thought.  I had thought that my initial fear and feeling of a need to get out of state was just something that is commonly felt when someone leaves an abusive relationship, perhaps it was intuition, perhaps it is a common thing.

After speaking with a shelter and informing them of what I had learned today, they are full and can not get me in anywhere close to my current location.  I discovered that I am also driving around on expired tags.

I find myself looking back, could he really change, would he really do that now?  Perhaps my absence for such a long time has made him realize that what he is doing is not okay, that I am not afraid to do what I need to do for myself.  Is it possible that he would seek help to keep us together?  Counseling? Anger Management?

Couch #4 - here I come!

Getting ready to head out to my next destination, a flower material covered couch... lol!

It is becoming a reality that unless you have been brutally abused physically, with police reports and medical records to back up your claims, there is no help out there for someone like myself trying to escape and avoid an escalated issue.

Don't get me wrong, I am very grateful for the help I have received so far, but unfortunately I now see why many who are abused, return to their abuser.  There is no help for us. 

Guilt and beyond

As I try to make my way out of state, I find myself going through many emotions, at times the overwhelming feelings of loneliness have me second guessing myself.  Can I do this?  Did I over react because he had been drinking?  Do I really need to move away?  What will I do once I get there?  Will I actually find peace and comfort?

I couldn't tell my family the entire story.  I couldn't tell my family that the man I love has been abusing me for the past 7 years.  I couldn't tell my family that his drinking never really got under control, despite my assurances.  I couldn't tell my family because they live out of state and I didn't want them to worry about me, I am a grown woman whom they believed to be a strong individual based on the many times I have heard it spoken.  I guess in truth, I am a bit embarrassed and ashamed that I allowed this to happen to me.  I haven't told my family everything because I have left him before and have always returned to escape the continued threats, the feelings of being alone and the need for financial security.

A beginning

When I added a 'Donate' button to my blog, it was by suggestion of a friend from back home.  As my blog is fairly new and I created it mainly as a way to heal and avoid future patterns, but also to help others in similar situations, I didn't think it would be read by anyone other than my friend.  I was wrong.

Thank you to those who have sent me well wishes, who support my decision to leave an abusive relationship and from the bottom of my heart, to those who have already 'Donated' to my cause.

When it comes to seeking financial help, I find it difficult to turn to family and friends for two reasons.  First being that we are all struggling financially.  Secondly, I am very concerned about putting them in a situation that they don't deserve.  When it comes to my friends, I feel that the less they know the better.

A Tough Decision

I find myself currently experiencing a lot of guilt.  In one way I feel as though I have abandoned my ex, I feel as though I did not keep up my end of the bargain to be there no matter what, to help make our relationship stronger.

As I sit here reading what I wrote and then unwillingly allowing myself to go back in my memory to what brought me to now, I realize that there wasn't anything more for me to do, he stopped trying to save us long before the truth even crossed my mind.

This isn't going to be an easy journey for me, that I know.  At this point in my life, I couldn't get any closer to the bottom of what some may consider a low point in their life, so I have to continue to tell myself that I can only go up from here.  I have to continue to remind myself of the steps necessary to breathe.  I have to continue to push myself forward or I will get stuck in what will only be something I've settled for.  That is not something that I can even consider, my life depends on knowing that.

So, my daily thoughts have brought me to one conclusion, I need to get away from this place, I need to find a way to get to my mom.  For the first time in over 25 years, I need my mom, I need to be with her, I need to be held and feel as though everything is going to be okay because right now, that is truly the farthest thought in my mind.

I need my mom.

Here I Am

To view my current being as an end to a long story would be incorrect, instead I have learned to accept that it is a new beginning towards a better life for me.

With all the emotions that go with ending a relationship in general, adding to the mix that there was an alcoholic whose world I revolved around makes it that much more difficult to deal with, or shall I say, learn to deal with, because I am, I haven't given up and he didn't break me despite his many attempts to do so.

I hope to be able to put into words what the life I chose to live at that time was like, how it is not a situation that has to be dealt with alone, even though it can be felt as one of the lowest moments in our lives, the overwhelming feeling that you are alone is just a mask for what you truly are capable of overcoming, finding the strength within gives you a power like no other.