When the world seems to fall apart around you, it's very easy to forget yourself. The thought of going outside, if only for a moment is almost too much to deal with when you find that even the slightest breeze that reminds you of your past can set you off into a crying frenzy.
Trust me, I know, I have been there more times than I care to count. Before I left my abuser, I had such a moment. It was difficult to deal with as I couldn't pinpoint just one moment of my life that would explain why I was crying so much. At a very low point in my day, I literally felt as though I were on the brink of a full and complete emotional break down. I was so sure that I was just seconds away from it that I found myself in the parking lot of a local hospital, contemplating on whether or not I should just go in and say, 'Help Me, I can't take my life any longer'.
The thoughts that went through my head as I sat in my car were not of concern for my own self, but for what my abuser would do and what he would think. I was extremely concerned that the anger would build as he would blame me for bringing our private situation to light with our friends and family. I was concerned that he would tell our family and friends that I was a mental case and that he was doing everything to help me. I was terrified that I would be committed because the hospital staff would have thought that I was on the verge of suicide and then my decision to seek help for my emotional state would be anything but a volunteered situation. I found myself in a catch 22.
So instead of heading into the hospital, I took a walk over to an area that had the setting of a park. The lawn was plush, the leaves of the trees slowly danced in the wind, and for the first time in many months, it was peaceful. There was no yelling, there was no listening to hear the sound of his truck coming up our road, there was no fear of whether or not he had stopped in at a bar before coming home.
My life had literally fell apart all around me and as I sat there on the lawn, it dawned on me that I was so content because there was nothing else around me to finish off the job. Despite that it was a very warm day and there were many trees around to seek shade, I found myself sitting in an area that was empty of anything towering over me, except Heaven above.
Exactly 2 days later, I had clothing in the trunk of my car and I was off to find myself again, working through the emotion and fear, I kept driving.
Trust me, I know, I have been there more times than I care to count. Before I left my abuser, I had such a moment. It was difficult to deal with as I couldn't pinpoint just one moment of my life that would explain why I was crying so much. At a very low point in my day, I literally felt as though I were on the brink of a full and complete emotional break down. I was so sure that I was just seconds away from it that I found myself in the parking lot of a local hospital, contemplating on whether or not I should just go in and say, 'Help Me, I can't take my life any longer'.
The thoughts that went through my head as I sat in my car were not of concern for my own self, but for what my abuser would do and what he would think. I was extremely concerned that the anger would build as he would blame me for bringing our private situation to light with our friends and family. I was concerned that he would tell our family and friends that I was a mental case and that he was doing everything to help me. I was terrified that I would be committed because the hospital staff would have thought that I was on the verge of suicide and then my decision to seek help for my emotional state would be anything but a volunteered situation. I found myself in a catch 22.
So instead of heading into the hospital, I took a walk over to an area that had the setting of a park. The lawn was plush, the leaves of the trees slowly danced in the wind, and for the first time in many months, it was peaceful. There was no yelling, there was no listening to hear the sound of his truck coming up our road, there was no fear of whether or not he had stopped in at a bar before coming home.
My life had literally fell apart all around me and as I sat there on the lawn, it dawned on me that I was so content because there was nothing else around me to finish off the job. Despite that it was a very warm day and there were many trees around to seek shade, I found myself sitting in an area that was empty of anything towering over me, except Heaven above.
Exactly 2 days later, I had clothing in the trunk of my car and I was off to find myself again, working through the emotion and fear, I kept driving.
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