As I try to make my way out of state, I find myself going through many emotions, at times the overwhelming feelings of loneliness have me second guessing myself. Can I do this? Did I over react because he had been drinking? Do I really need to move away? What will I do once I get there? Will I actually find peace and comfort?
I couldn't tell my family the entire story. I couldn't tell my family that the man I love has been abusing me for the past 7 years. I couldn't tell my family that his drinking never really got under control, despite my assurances. I couldn't tell my family because they live out of state and I didn't want them to worry about me, I am a grown woman whom they believed to be a strong individual based on the many times I have heard it spoken. I guess in truth, I am a bit embarrassed and ashamed that I allowed this to happen to me. I haven't told my family everything because I have left him before and have always returned to escape the continued threats, the feelings of being alone and the need for financial security.
My previous attempts to leave him have always started out with, 'this time' it is over for good. But within a day or so, he would start using my family and friends to find me. He did it in a subtle manner to where they didn't think things were bad between us, they were convinced that we just had a minor disagreement, despite my pleas with them not to tell him anything. Once he found me, the charm would start flowing endlessly, the constant promises to never hurt me or treat me bad again were spoken regularly. His love for me was never ending and for a while treated me like a queen.
There is no longer a 'this time' with him. I have been receiving help from a few friends that I have kept in contact with over the years, those that he is not familiar with nor has ever met. Unlike the last few times I tried to leave, I informed only 2 close friends of my intent to leave because I truly needed their help in keeping him occupied during the afternoon hours while I drove away, putting that time distance between us.
The morning that I left I had been up for the better part of 2 days. As an argument had ensued just days before, he used his anger towards me as his excuse to go out with his friends and get drunk. So not only did I have the concern of what his condition would be when he returned home, I was terrified that he would. The last night that I saw him was a turning point for me.
After arriving home sometime after 1am, knowing that I had an appointment in the morning, he threw my car keys at me. I bent down to pick them up and as I made my way to straighten up, he was standing directly in front of me and told me if I ever thought to leave with the car, he would kill me.
I couldn't move, I couldn't speak, I can't recall a moment ever in my life when the fear was that bad. What scared me most was that I couldn't say for certain that he wouldn't try to kill me. He was drunk and he was pissed off.
Approximately 30 minutes had passed since he made that remark. I had found a moment to calm down and was actually preparing to just go to bed when he walked into the kitchen, kissed me on the cheek, gave me a hug and all as though nothing had just happened. As he started to walk away, he turned back, looking at me and said, "you know I would never do anything to hurt you intentionally right?"
I waited for 2 hours, I waited until I heard him snoring consecutively for over 30 minutes, I grabbed a bunch of clothes that I had folded on our couch, grabbed what was left in the dryer, threw them into 2 duffel bags, threw those into my car and drove away, bringing me to where I am today.
I couldn't tell my family the entire story. I couldn't tell my family that the man I love has been abusing me for the past 7 years. I couldn't tell my family that his drinking never really got under control, despite my assurances. I couldn't tell my family because they live out of state and I didn't want them to worry about me, I am a grown woman whom they believed to be a strong individual based on the many times I have heard it spoken. I guess in truth, I am a bit embarrassed and ashamed that I allowed this to happen to me. I haven't told my family everything because I have left him before and have always returned to escape the continued threats, the feelings of being alone and the need for financial security.
My previous attempts to leave him have always started out with, 'this time' it is over for good. But within a day or so, he would start using my family and friends to find me. He did it in a subtle manner to where they didn't think things were bad between us, they were convinced that we just had a minor disagreement, despite my pleas with them not to tell him anything. Once he found me, the charm would start flowing endlessly, the constant promises to never hurt me or treat me bad again were spoken regularly. His love for me was never ending and for a while treated me like a queen.
There is no longer a 'this time' with him. I have been receiving help from a few friends that I have kept in contact with over the years, those that he is not familiar with nor has ever met. Unlike the last few times I tried to leave, I informed only 2 close friends of my intent to leave because I truly needed their help in keeping him occupied during the afternoon hours while I drove away, putting that time distance between us.
The morning that I left I had been up for the better part of 2 days. As an argument had ensued just days before, he used his anger towards me as his excuse to go out with his friends and get drunk. So not only did I have the concern of what his condition would be when he returned home, I was terrified that he would. The last night that I saw him was a turning point for me.
After arriving home sometime after 1am, knowing that I had an appointment in the morning, he threw my car keys at me. I bent down to pick them up and as I made my way to straighten up, he was standing directly in front of me and told me if I ever thought to leave with the car, he would kill me.
I couldn't move, I couldn't speak, I can't recall a moment ever in my life when the fear was that bad. What scared me most was that I couldn't say for certain that he wouldn't try to kill me. He was drunk and he was pissed off.
Approximately 30 minutes had passed since he made that remark. I had found a moment to calm down and was actually preparing to just go to bed when he walked into the kitchen, kissed me on the cheek, gave me a hug and all as though nothing had just happened. As he started to walk away, he turned back, looking at me and said, "you know I would never do anything to hurt you intentionally right?"
I waited for 2 hours, I waited until I heard him snoring consecutively for over 30 minutes, I grabbed a bunch of clothes that I had folded on our couch, grabbed what was left in the dryer, threw them into 2 duffel bags, threw those into my car and drove away, bringing me to where I am today.
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