I find myself currently experiencing a lot of guilt. In one way I feel as though I have abandoned my ex, I feel as though I did not keep up my end of the bargain to be there no matter what, to help make our relationship stronger.
As I sit here reading what I wrote and then unwillingly allowing myself to go back in my memory to what brought me to now, I realize that there wasn't anything more for me to do, he stopped trying to save us long before the truth even crossed my mind.
This isn't going to be an easy journey for me, that I know. At this point in my life, I couldn't get any closer to the bottom of what some may consider a low point in their life, so I have to continue to tell myself that I can only go up from here. I have to continue to remind myself of the steps necessary to breathe. I have to continue to push myself forward or I will get stuck in what will only be something I've settled for. That is not something that I can even consider, my life depends on knowing that.
So, my daily thoughts have brought me to one conclusion, I need to get away from this place, I need to find a way to get to my mom. For the first time in over 25 years, I need my mom, I need to be with her, I need to be held and feel as though everything is going to be okay because right now, that is truly the farthest thought in my mind.
I need my mom.
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